Kenapa?

"Kenapa aku rasa macam x senang hati bila tengok dia macam tu?"

"Kau.. kau jelous dengan dia ke?"

"Aku, tak tau kenapa aku rasa macam ni.. tapi aku sedih.. sebab aku rasa macam dia rampas tempat aku dalam tu, dan aku sendiri yang bawa dia masuk. Aku nampak dia sebagai reflection of myself. Sebijik."

"Ko sebenarnya.. jelous ni.."

"Entahlah weh.. sejak aku rasa macam tu, aku rela undurkan diri. Aku tak sanggup. Aku dah tak tahan tengok. Aku left. Sedih bila semua orang suka dia. Padahal, entah weh. No words can describe anymore. Tapi, perasaaan ini tak hilang sebab dia selalu update status. Aku tetap nampak."

"..."

"Walaupun aku rasa macam ni, aku tetap ingatkan diri aku yang.. Aku share rezeki aku dengan orang lain. Aku kongsi kegembiraan, kekeluargaan yang aku rasa sepanjang aku dalam ni.. Okay kan? Walaupun, ada benda benda negatif  yang aku rasa.. tapi aku cuba lihat daripada sudut yang positif.. At least, I've bring something good to her and me myself."

...

Aku harap satu je.. yang aku ni tak fake. serious.


=)

Disheartened Friend

Hye and salam to all,

Just want express my short nagging here.

Is it wrong when I want to deliver something that does not satisfy me?
Is it wrong if I just want to express my feeling without saying anything bad about the person? *I'm not saying the really bad thing ya

But, it really really disappoint me when your friend suddenly cut your speech by saying,

"Tak baiklah cakap macam tu. Nak ke?"
"Jangan kata orang sangat, kita tak tahu lagi."

Practically, I'm not saying something bad. I just want to express my anger or disappointment.

If you are already good enough, I'll not say this to you.
But, vice versa.
You are the same or worst.
The worst thing that you try to be better by saying that.
The truth is that when you are in anger..

"Kenapa aku ja yang kena macam ni?"
"Tak aci ko tak kena."
"Dah lah tak lawa."

It is the same when you forget to be grateful on what you get and have. =(

Hello, it is the same when you always bad-mouthing the actress or actresses.

Practically, we are doing the same thing. But yeah, I don't do that always.

I just only want people to hear me out. That's not how you try to cool down your friend. That's lead to  anger to hatred and next is vengeful.

Listening is the best cure.. but you don't really help me as your friend by not listening.

Internship Peringkat Degree Bakal Melabuhkan Tirai

Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

Aku gembira sebab hari ini hari terakhir aku kat Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka KL.
Sedih tu sedih, tetapi bila memikirkan kepayahan ujian sepanjang praktikal membuatkan aku kus semangat dan bergenang air mata.

Bermula praktikal, tiga minggu pertama, nama aku diburukkan di hadapan staf dekat unit aku oleh dua orang pelajar praktikal.
Kena tahan staf tak nak tengok muka kau. Selalu perli kau.
Ya Allah, Tuhan je lah tahu perasaan aku pada masa ni.
Air mata tak payah cakaplah.
Laju mengalir.

Tapi, Tuhan Maha Kaya, Maha Penyayang,
Akak tu kena tukar, lalu melemahkan tembok dua orang tu dalam menjatuhkan aku. Keadaan mula kembali macam biasa.
Aku senang ke tempat kerja hari-hari.
Aku tak ada masalah dengan akak tu, sebab akak tu baik cuma dipengaruhi oleh orang yang tak sepatutnya.

Tapi,
Ujian demi ujian bermula.

Aku kena keluar rumah daripada awal dari tarikh yang sepatutnya. Hanya 3 minggu lagi masa untuk aku habis praktikal.

Merayau aku cari rumah di laman web, homestay.. tapi tak ada orang nak terima untuk sementara.
aku tukar plan, cari rumah kawan-kawan, nak menumpang.

Allah Maha Pengasih, ada yang membantu aku. Atyn, Sibah dan Mimy.. Allahuakbar.. alhamdulillah.

Bergilir, cukup seminggu lebih, aku akan bertukar tempat. Dengan angkat beg beratnya.. sedih weh.. Allah.

Apa pun syukur, aku berjaya menghadapi ujian... Ujian itu menguatkan kita.. =)
Kan.

Terima kasih Akademi DBP atas tunjuk ajar dan ilmu yang diberikan.

secure

I change my URL for my own safety.

Semalam

*tap *tap *tap

Bunyi key pad phone berbunyi, aku ralit scroll ke bawah. Laju. Tengok kawan-kawan tweet .

Tetiba, 

"Yan, serius weh aku tak tahu pun kau pernah couple kalau Ainul tak bagi tahu kau. Masa tu, aku borak dengan dia, aku cakap, Yan je suci lagi tak bercouple."

Aku gelak hambar. 

"Pernah Mimy, tapi aku jumpa orang yang hmm. pelik. psiko. Scary. Yang first, macam tu. Second, sebab tak teman dia keluar malam, marah sangat dengan aku. Lepas tu, frust dengan aku. Bagi aku, lelaki sepatutnya tahu had nak bawa gadis keluar malam-malam. "

"Kesian kau, jumpa orang yang pelik-pelik.. Tp yang kedua tu jahat weyh dia buat ko macam tu."

"Aku kan mimy, aku dah tak ada hati. Asal jumpa, aku jumpa yang pelik-pelik. Takpelah, sekarang aku fikir, aku nak tolong mak ayah aku je. Lagipun, aku kan anak sulung."

Aku sambung, 

"Tapi kan mimy, serius aku dah lupa apa yang berlaku dulu. Hahaha. Aku senang hati, sebab itu petanda aku dah melepaskan segalanya tanpa rasa benda tu satu beban lagi untuk aku. Alhamdullilah.Sebab nak melupakan sesuatu yang menyakitkan itu, sangatlah payah."

***

Bosan kan selalu bercerita pasal ni? 

Tapi, benda ni yang selalu menjadi persoalan.

Cinta itu misteri.

Tak siapa tahu kau dan aku kan bersatu.

Doalah guys. Moga cinta yang ditemui membawa ke jannah.

Manakala, cinta pada Yang Hakiki, tidak rugi pun. 

Cari Allah, baru kau temui cinta kau sebenar.

6/11/2017

Akademi DBP,

Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka.

Mengusik Jiwa

I read my old online written diary here. The old ones. I am in tears and full of joy.

Why?

Because the writing shows my childish and tenacious writing. I somehow amazed to see that I can write in Bahasa, which I feel captivate to read more. haha *hello, siapa lagi nak puji, kalau bukan diri sendiri.

I miss my diploma friends because our friendship is really really strong. We are not from the same blood,  we are spectacular and different in various things but we are able to achieve one objective.  We are one.

Now, I'm living with my diploma friends.

Mimy says,

"Yan, kalau aku dah tak keje KL, aku dah tak boleh tolong kau macam ni. Kalau aku keje KL, boleh la tolong. Lepas ni, jangan bergantung kat sesiapa dah tau."

Sibah adds on,

"Walaupun saudara rapat, dekat, jauh. Buat hal sendiri."

I am really grateful to have friends that are really friends. I know that I caused a lot of troubles.

Tapi, bukanku pinta jadi begini.

I don't know.

Sibah is getting married on the eve of Chinese New Year, can't wait to see all of my diploma friends gather together on the big day.

Congratulation Sibah!

Repeat and repent

Puas aku mencuba untuk lebih berhati-hati agar tidak lagi berulang seperti dulu.

Tapi aku salah, masih lagi sama.

Aku rasa kali ini salah aku sendiri. 

Namun, wajarkah ini balasan yang aku dapat tanpa mengira kebaikan yang aku buat.

Bila sampai satu tahap, 

apa pun aku dah tak hiraukan.

I am the bullet. 

Go fast as a bullet stray. 

Merapu. Merepek. 

Aku dah tak ada perasaan. 

Good deed brings you fortune

Assalamualaikum and Hi!

I just want to share something that open my eyes last night with my friend,

"Ko lupa ke dulu ko masak pagi-pagi, bungkuskan mee untuk kite orang masa hari graduasi tu, untuk parent kite org. Ainul nak makan kek coklat, ko masakkan. Tp sebab Sibah tak makan coklat, ko tukar dgn milo."

Seriously, that was four years and half ago, I did it because it was fun, and because on the graduation day, parents who entered the hall, queuing early in the morning without food. waiting until the ceremony would end. Kesian.. they must be really hungry. Orang muda pun lapar apatah lagi orang yang berusia.  

Woke up at 3 a.m and cooked for about five families.

I was like that was really me?

Like, seriously?!

But then, Mimy said, 

"Tapi ko dah tak macam dulu."

That words really woke me up.

When you are really down, and broke up, it doesn't mean that you stop being your old-self.  You need to be motivated and energized till the end because life ain't easy yaw. 

Even though, you are doing the good deed and people reply by giving you the most unwelcome gift ..  remember, there are still people who remember what you did out there.. That's touched my heart, really.

So, I need to be me again and proud to be me. Oh yeah~

Who are my readers?

Questions that always lingering in my head.

Who are my readers?

I know I'm not the famous blogger. 

I wrote for my own satisfaction and dissatisfaction.

Why am I asking?

Because there are only two of them, who are loyal to read my blogs. 

Haha.

Thanks for your loyalty in reading my writing. 

But would you mind to share who are you guys?

Haha.

Awas!

 Assalamualaikum w.b.t,

Lately, I was too rajin to update my blog, perhaps I've a lot leisure time nowadays.

But some are not satisfied of what and for who I am.

Even though you keep your distance away and being too careful, it is not an option for you to be excluded from being criticized. 

For being who you are, few people still make harsh statement for no reason. 

Why?

Because they live in a lame way. Sad, isn't?

But, for now, I still can stand the slaughter but I don't know until when I can endure all those jerks keep saying behind my back.

You know, when you have something to say, say it to me. Maybe it is harsh but at least I know and I can improve. You know, we learn from our past, that shape us towards the better. 

Talking at the back doesn't 

Indeed, Allah does not let you alone, still, there are some new friends here are very kind and always put their hands on my shoulder.  When the jerks complain about me, they are there. I was like...thank you. 

But talking bad about me in front of the clerks at the administration is not good. Words spread. They're not like coins that you throw in the oceans, they're not returning back. But words, they fluctuate to you back. 

To conclude, 

I am sad.

Yang benar,

Si Sedih.

Cepat

Tak pernah aku rasakan yang masa itu berlalu dengan perlahan.
Ye, benar, masa itu emas. Setuju.
Bangun, tidur, kerja, dan begitulah hari-hari selepasnya.

Kadang-kadang tertanya-tanya, apa yang kau nak dalam hidup yang singkat ini.
Masih lagi dalam pengembaraan mencari apa yang tidak pasti.
Tapi yang pasti doa itu tidak putus di bibir memohon agar dipermudahkan segala urusan.
Walaubagaimanpun kita, tunjang utama perlu kukuh.
Agamamu dan maruahmu.
Islam agamaku dan kebenaranku.
Sering kali ku titipkan doa agar hati ini tidak berbolak-balik.
Bumi juga makin tua, menunggu masa untuk mati.
Aku takut akan pengangkhiranku yang hanya Allah yang tahu.

Moga tergolong dalam golongan yang beriman.

Sekian.

Btw; tak sangka ada lagi yang sudi membaca blog ni.
Terima kasih.

Love

It's a typical topic when you talk about love. But love makes us confuse most all of the time.  

I get really angry sometimes because of this.

I happen to see my old friends lately, and I was so happy when I see them working with the jobs that they like. While, I am still struggling to finish up my degree. 

Be patient, your time will come soon, Yan.

I just want to talk about the love that I "received" recently.\

-ed means.. it already in the past. 

Quick and brief.

I thought he would love me sincerely because of who I am.

But no. 

.. He choose me because of her mother and sister will happen to like me.

Even though, I never seen them.

That's hurt me the most.

I want to find somebody that love just because who I am. I mean it. 

O'Allah.. I really hope I find my Mr. Right.

I'm not too desperate.. but I sad and tired of meeting someone that toys me around.

Bye.

8/7/2017